The truth is

I was actually debating if I was even going to write this, there are just parts of my life I don't like to talk about, and I don't want anyone to think I need a pity party... but I need to get it of my chest, or rather out of my head, and yes it is 1:30 in the morning... so bear with me, my spelling isn't always perfect and as for run on sentences... I'm the queen.
For about a year and a half now I have not been sleeping well. I have been having back pain since about the 2-3 month of my last pregnancy, I know, I know, join the club. I have had pain in the past and just chalked it up to my chosen career in life. Being a dental assistant keeps you sitting in very awkward positions, anyways... I've got to go a little further back in time for this to make any sense.
As very few of you may know I have PTSD.... (post traumatic stress disorder) while I was in High School I had an experience that will be with me for life, and because of that I have been on medication since. I have had years of therapy and went through the acceptance process that everyone has their challenges and struggles. In a sad and very selfish way, I considered myself defective, because my Dr.s have all said I WILL be taking this medication FOREVER in order to be normal!
Now, I am one of those people #1 who doesn't like to take medicine, and #2 I have a hard time taking it, so no fun... Well it has been years since I have been diagnosed, and I have faithfully been doing the best I can at remembering to take it. With this disease, some days are easier than others.
OK so now flash forward to today... I have just found out that at the Young age of 29... yes 29, I have arthritis in my lower back. I know, it's not that big of a deal. And it took 1 week for it to finally hit me, and when it did, it hit hard. I of course went to worst case scenarios.... I am going to be that mom who is hooked on pain meds and is always "in pain" and needs more meds.... the mom who shouldn't have or even be around children because she is doped up all the time.... or the one they say shouldn't have anymore kids because the pain will just increase with each pregnancy and there is nothing you can take while pregnant... of course these are probably not going to happen, but they could.
I guess what is bothering is that I feel I have another thing wrong with me that can't be fixed... I guess in a way I was just hoping they could crack my back or show me some stretches and maybe in time it would go away. I have the hardest time feeling helpless, feeling like I don't have control over myself or things around me. I this is just another thing that make me feel not normal.
I am going to have the courage to know that there is a reason for this and all my struggles, maybe I just need to be humbled, perhaps I have forgotten all the sacrifices that have been made for me, physical or not. I am very much aware there are A lot of people who have so many challenges everyday, and believe me, I think they are saints. I'm sure once I get used to the idea of taking more medicine and having good and bad days for another reason, it won't be that bad. Hey, I might even find ways to live with it and not even feel it anymore?
I am not looking for any sympathy or even phone calls of comfort... I know I am OK, I just needed to get it out. Thanks for letting my vent.